movd by caged animals. you think youre so cool. o god
if a man is evil enough to destroy a book he’s evil enough to destroy anything.
jutting out like splintered rotting wood, little pool underneath licking, lapping, soaking, sipping. like a hot, wet wick would. always happening so much. this time, thinking standing over just gazing forward again like yesterday and a while ago. staring at this wet wood spike where once maybe. it was the skeleton of something. the foundation of something
it mightve been a house. mightve been rooms, mightve had an apple tree in the garden and patches of grass that were yellowing in an autumn sun-missed previously sun-kissed kind of way. might’ve been a girl sat in the highest branch she could reach before it broke, maybe occasionally drunk on cider, straddling a branch. really grabbing it with two hands. really caressing it and waiting for the fruit to drop. or not being happy and getting higher. branch broke and her arm. the dregs she cunt drink for crying just seeping into the roots underneath.
(liquid light and two lurking under sheets. scrambling and kissing with a distinct touch and feel and light and love. skin much smoother. fresh graze from running round right like. love like. touching with a pale back love life. fight like. kiss like. flush. blushing. flushing. kissing. flushing and blushing and kissing. glass of water. murky with gouache. parched parchment pleasing. plums in a pile and a pile of plums. and ‘icking berries, purple hands. purple hand. berry shade. soft skin resting like. like skin soft like resting. like soft and resting.)
exuded colour like lamplight. tears welled up and teeth biting and scratching and fucking waiting. and fucking and waiting. hands like fucking fisherman. holding and hurting and holding. clasping grasping. rolling right round. could feel skin like lick. and lick like. like clear tongue licking lightly right round. rolling round. likely here that licking makes him blush. exuding rosey face. cheek like burned like sun like licking at it. eyelashes wet like tears like licking at ‘em. skin rash scratched blushed flushed and crying. blood formed warmed and flood like lying there. smudged up white sheet winced stained fucked like. alabaster back like ripped and kissed ripe. peel flesh fruit soft warm juice and poured. fresh fruit soft warm liquid dripping poured. yknow. and the hands yknow. and the love like. always the love like.
make noises together in difference sequence rhythm gold bronze short sounds panting like wolves dogs stunted and every day for a long time yknow soft and warm and smitten now fucking alone drinking water and waking up and sleeping and drinking water waking up sleep next to a puddle of water sleep in a puddle of water cry into a puddle of water drink tears and water tears taste like salt water salt water taste of water and salt. sun drinks water leaves salt. lick salt rock puffy cheek and stinging eyelids close and sleep. thinking about water rat. catch water rat crush it with your heel. apologise but what the fuck am i supposed to do..? my organs hurt and feel frozen, smoke and be sedated like the bees. ill be a bee smoker and ill get some honey. or get a stool and ill find a cow and ill get some milk. fuck it i dont fucking know what the fuck to do. get a sharp rock get a sharp stick. make them both sharper. make holes in my head maybe. just stab anything that moves to keep me moving maybe. give up on moving maybe. just keep waiting until a better option comes along maybe.
people that talk about drugs on here do it in a way that makes me cringe so much.
but.. last night was the nicest k-hole experience i’ve ever had. my bed is up against the wall and i put my laptop up against the corner of the room. i curled around it and put pillows and my duvet around me, and curled around the laptop.
started playing the amazing film samsara for a change, as i usually put on baraka. put in my headphones and started playing the album riceboy sleeps by jonsi and alex.
the next hour was a journey through beautiful tiny rooms that felt like silk and cushions and marshmallows. all puffy and closing in on me and crushing me to the point of extreme comfort. and as the music would crescendo so would my time in that area. the song would climax, the room would shift into something else. rooms with gigantic screens like cinemas and rooms that were tall and thin. room that decided to turn on a 90 degree angle and let me float into the next one. bathetic moments matched with the style of the film. connections with people on the screen that id never met.
some rooms felt so final, like i would spend the rest of my time there. but just accept it. never get scared in a k-hole. just remember to breath. and enjoy every moment. because this museum that you’re slipping through. sliding through and swinging through so effortlessly will give you the most freeing experience of your life.
stop posting shit making you feel cool because you “smashed through so many drugs this weekend”. tagging it with every drug name and “druggie” “fucked”. that’s what gives stuff like k and drugs a bad name to people that don’t know anything about it. it’s always gonna have a stigma if you’re always gonna be a fucking idiot. (although that’s probably what you want… if it didn’t have a stima you wouldn’t feel like you’re a bad ass (you’re not…))
fuck, and, i, you, fuck. walkig througb over th=o fuck, fpiece peace anf fuk. i …………
just waiting, ad laying nd waitng. arms above head, holding on like a trapeze act, holding their partner. nd dark and tan and waiting and looking t me, ike short sounds holding and not grunting but not crying. all the tears yknow. just all th fucking tears. all the fucking waiting and fucking knowing, all the fucking knowing. fuck. waiting. waiting. fucking waiting, an fucking waiting. fucking straddle fucking wait. fucking dig in my nails to your back and waiting. clutch and scratch and hurt and wait. and clutch. clutch and cry and wait. and scratch so fucking hard iyt hurts so du king much. fuck fuck fuckf fuckdfndfkjdfkj;gf;jldldfkjjld. pucnch the small of your back, and afgain. punch the small of your back harder and harder. and punch your shoulders until you scream with pain,
and just punch and fuck. and grab what i can to put you in as much pain as you can. and just know. and fuck.
sitting on a fallen down tree just looking over a frozenn lake. a tiny fucking lake. where youll sleep. walk as fast as i fucking can. and get away from what i can. fucking wanting and needing people and fucking needing noone around. just need to be alone. just need to hug someone. fuck.
fuckin g carrying on fucking bellding crying fucking carryng n fuckin g writing this. fucking bllding fucking crying dfuking carrying on fuckng ritein what ever the fuck i fukign can fucking belld 9ing fuckign crying fuckign caryrying on what ever th fuckn i cn mov d on cmovedx and i ca re tod youh ficikign care ewhat yth fuck iw ritr whatr the fucik people see what thr fuck peope a re fucking cgine f8cign see ik geuues i lll get rid i geuess i l cstry on i gues sil talk itaway i guwwssse i ll bmocem acabveim ficjing fine aim acutlaly fucking fine but twhonthae fuck is thingk aim fcking fine who the fuck is agonna ask if mi m gfuckign dunf ine fwho the fuck am i gonne a taell im fucking i have on fucking relson to knot be fiikcing fin w revetyonthin i sfckin g fnw im just oncitinuin g to just tiocuh the page just stonrekn the eyboard ijsut feelign the sjfoi happiness of touvh ign what in touching with a tannwd back love life and love and hod and hutrt but hold nothign to with anyone you ven need to know intensr hod and hurt nd hod what you ned to hold with no distinction a nd tnohign tha ouy need and i need and you need dont nened t=dont need you to se me or see me, adont need what you think to knnededd need to leave need to see need to thin need to hold need to hug need to dig in my nails into what you think neeed i need fuc all i need what the fuck i need i need to stop thinign and i need to stop saying things because im scard of eowoyying peope even thoguh i knwo im inf and i can deal with thi and i can dal iwht my self even in the worst stat eive done this befor bwen through whatever before know that i can haide rnu liek a fox and be away and keep to myself but its harder now becase i need to be around people constantly and this isnt the typr of thing thst should rwrteinf dgbvbecause i knweo owplemread this i nknow peopl think this i knwo epoepel intrrepter this i know pwoep are think about this i knwo tht it s find for my syeself im not doinf his for ojin akneo dhaqt im oing i need to go somewere and i need to move away dn i need to sleep for a ong time and i need to slepseepp for anlong time an d i need peopel to nnot worry bouat me and i dont need pwopel to love me and i dont need anything but to wstop writing and i need to apologise for this and i need to stop.
fuck to do. cut this sheep’s hair off to wear it. drank from a cow. killed a pig. but rode a horse. petted this dog. not me. someone else. saw them do it.
wandered a while and wondered awhile wandering. saw some buildings and thought id see what they were. so there was this beautiful gold dome on top. eclipsed the sun and left a halo surrounding it.
bowed down wondered a while. what was i wondering for and wandering far. carried on to see glass and behind glass glass more glass. black mirrors. and they lit up and they showed me and i was stabbing a girl. and i was crying and i was hugging a woman and stabbing a girl. and i was confused and i was on these black mirrors yknow. woman next to me. said. thats you. no its not i said. left. ran. moved away and ashamed and cried more. thought no why. got to this big green park. ducks waddling up to me no idea what was going on no idea. just wanted me to feed them. they have no idea i can’t even feed myself.
so i need to stay away from glass and ice. and i need to know that i can meet someone that i can love and i need to realise that things aren’t the way they were or the way they should be and i just want love someone in a way that is easy yknow. a way that is naked. not covered up by the ridiculous things that i keep seeing yknow. i need to keep finding something to love in a place that isn’t here. i need to find a lake to love and i need to find a lake to love and live and swim.